“’Is this the ‘New Normal?’ Suggestions for Coping with the Tough Parts of Your Partner’s Transition”
“’Is this the ‘New Normal?’ Suggestions for Coping with the Tough Parts of Your Partner’s Transition”
I’ve entitled this short piece ‘Is the New Normal,” because shit happens during transitions, and non-transitioning partners are often are wracked with anxiety and fear (in addition to the transguy, of course). Most of us, from what I’ve learned, want to do all we can to support the transition—even those who eventually break up. When scary and painful stuff happens, partners are often afraid that this is how things will be post-transition: ‘is this the ‘new normal’? Because if so, I can’t handle it.” Transitions are unmapped terrain for everybody. Normally, in a healthy relationship, when scary things happen, the partners can turn to each other for clarity and reassurance. But in a transition, the transguy often can’t meet those partner’s legitimate needs in this area: he’s often doesn’t know the answers to questions either, and is often overwhelmed himself, as he transitions into his new embodied self. He can shut down or act out, further freaking out the confused and anxious partner.
So this is a note to partners who connected with their transguy before his transition, who want to make it through, together, and who are in the first 1.5 years of the ‘transition,’ however you define it. Here is a list of five suggestions on how to deal with the difficult patches, drawn from 28 interviews thus far with partners of transguys.
1. Be patient. Whatever is painful and unacceptable probably won’t last past the initial 9-12 months. Mark your calendar if you have to, but don’t try to make any big decisions in the midst of the first year; in the vast majority of cases, whatever it is you’re experiencing is not usually the new normal, but it is just a phase as the transguy gets used to his new being. Some of the most difficult relationship developments that the partners have noted include: a breakdown in communication, as the transguy withdraws, intentionally or not, as a way to cope; emotional hardship, including depression, anger, anxiety, fear, frustration, arrogance, narcissism; sexual withdrawal, as in some cases the transguy’s libido seems to evaporate for a time, despite T; the emergence of the transguy’s interest in having sex with additional people, usually men; a pressing need to hang with other men, trans or otherwise, which may mark new patterns of socializing.
2. Don’t take it personally. It’s not usually about you, even though it might seem like it is at the time. See 1, above.
3. Pick a confidant, someone (besides your partner) to talk with regularly about the tough stuff, someone who has your back without judgment about what you and your partner are going though. If you’re lucky, maybe you live somewhere where this is a partners’ group, as we have in Toronto. Don’t expect your partner to meet many of your emotional, psychological, and (sometimes) sexual needs during this period, as most simply can’t, as much as they wish they could. Partners usually report isolation, as they often feel they don’t fit any of their former communities, and unfortunately the ‘trans community’ is often not welcoming of partners, and continues to define ‘trans’ narrowly, as specific only to the trans-identified person. So partners have to build their own support network, without violating the confidentiality needs of the transitioning partner.
4. De-center the transition. Be present for your partner in his needs around the transition, but try not to have it be the only things going on in your lives together. Make time for other things; talk about other topics; don’t bring up the transition unless he does; avoid interrogating him about every little nuance.
5. Take care of yourself, most important of all. If you are in one of the many situations I’ve come across, where you’re doing a lot of the care-taking work (emotional, financial, medical), ask for help from friends; don’t be a martyr and do it all yourself. You may later resent your partner for it later, especially if due to his own crisis he can’t see or appreciate your work in this area. Make sure you keep up your own interests outside of the relationship, including connecting with friends and family, exercising, eating well. This is especially important if your partner has had a major surgery, if he’s on medical disability, or is dealing with newly diagnosed depression or anxiety. You won’t be doing either one of you any favors if you get overwhelmed and consumed: avoid your own nervous collapsed in year 2 when your partner is out of the transition woods, so to speak, by taking care of yourself, too, in year 1.
(via natureslittlecriminal)
Source: elspethbrown
