Coming out as asexual

swankivy:

Anonymous asked you:

I wanted to ask about comming out as asexual. I’m a minor and live with my family if that helps. :) Thanks

Well, anon, coming out as asexual (like any kind of coming out) is often difficult and sometimes unpredictable. Since I don’t know the circumstances of your family, whether they tend to be supportive, how accepting they might be of non-heterosexual identities, and what your specific experience of asexuality is, I can only answer in the general.

First, a note for teen asexuals:

When coming out, you will almost always be told (especially by parents or other adults) that you are “too young” to know what you want. You are not too young to know what you want. Remember that. However, it’s best if you don’t try to argue with older people about this, because they simply will not believe you. If they are the types of people who think teens who aren’t heterosexual are “just going through a phase” or “will find their REAL sexuality when they are more mature,” they are not going to listen, and getting confrontational about how you damn well ARE mature enough to know what you feel usually makes them condescendingly say “suuuuure you are.”

What you CAN do to make this a win/win is say that yes, sexuality is fluid for some people and yes, maybe you’ll identify as something else later in your life; you can also acknowledge that for you, asexuality is about never finding someone you were attracted to that way—not about a “decision” to relate in a certain way to other people forever. Your maturity and self-awareness may be more readily accepted and respected if you acknowledge that you do not know the future. Sometimes if you make it clear that past and present indicate that you’re asexual—and past and present are the best predictors of the future—then you’ll be at least tentatively accepted by the people you’re coming out to. As long as you don’t make it sound like it’s a “decision,” they usually won’t get as upset. “I’ve just never found anyone attractive that way, so until or unless I do, I’m identifying as asexual” seems like it comes across as less threatening to them. (Why they’re threatened by our orientation is more mysterious, but sometimes they act like they are.)

Regarding asexual coming-out experiences for everyone, including teens:

• Sometimes it helps to “test” your audience by finding out what they think of asexuality itself before coming out. It’s less painful if you can educate about asexuality and confront their misconceptions and hopefully make them passably knowledgeable about the orientation before they’re also going to have to deal with their friend or loved one identifying this way.

• Sometimes it helps to have an asexuality-related study, article, interview, or video piece on hand to start the conversation.

• Sometimes it helps to mention “the asexual community” very early in a conversation about asexuality, so that people realize this is not some weird thing you made up.

• Sometimes it’s best to wait for a natural segue into a conversation about asexuality instead of sitting people down to tell them, though that’s up to you.

• Sometimes people listen better if you react to any initial dismissiveness, annoyance, aggressive confusion, or laughter (yes, sometimes people LAUGH) by acting like you’re shocked they don’t know about asexuality. Treating people like their ignorance is surprising sometimes makes them back off the “yeah, right, hahahaha, NO you’re not, that’s NOT a thing” response.

• Sometimes if people interrupt you or present you with common misconceptions, you can address them by first stating “Oh, a lot of people say that” or “a lot of people have trouble understanding this” or “that’s a pretty common reaction.” This helps to subtly reinforce the idea that they are not saying anything new or unexpected to you, and people usually hate being unoriginal. They may believe they’re raising objections you’ve never thought of, but if you react immediately with “oh, this again” (matter-of-factly, without disrespect), they sometimes stop butting in and just let you talk.

• Please read my three-part article entitled “How to Be an Asexual Ally.” It’s mostly directed at people who are not asexual who want to be good allies, but this will give you an idea of the kind of respect you should feel entitled to expect. You can of course share this article with people who seem open to being allies, but if you’re not in a conversation in which sharing an article is possible or appropriate, these pointers may help you turn adversarial conversations around if you have some idea of what a respectful conversation about it should sound like.

• Do your best to control the conversation. If you’re coming out in a scheduled sit-down, see if you can ask the person/people you’re coming out to for a chance to state your entire piece before they ask questions, figure out beforehand how much you want to explain (sexual orientation and romantic orientation, maybe?) and then invite the questions in a structured way. Taking control of the conversation makes you look knowledgeable and in no way on the defense (which, unfortunately, many coming-out conversations do devolve into). You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re asking permission to be asexual or like you’re obligated to prove that your orientation is legitimate before they’ll respect you; no matter what questions they have, they should still respect you enough to listen.

• If you anticipate having trouble with this conversation, check out my video Letters to an Asexual #9. This video was created in response to an asexual person asking me how to deal with adversarial conversations with her family. I give some specific advice on both naughty and nice responses and how to handle them.

• Finally, you should know of some resources available to show different kinds of people. Some may just be curious and want to know more, so they will be receptive to informal forum discussion, blog discussion, simplified educational materials, and YouTube videos (educational or humorous). Some may act like anything they’ve never heard of before must be obscure and underground, so showing them talk show appearances, international television mentions, mainstream media articles and interviews, and documentaries can help. Some may take the “No, humans ARE SEXUAL BY NATURE” or “SCIENCE does not acknowledge this” positions, which can be countered by pointing out scholarly articles, an existing textbook, or research.

And if any of this seems overwhelming or scary to do in person, you might consider writing a letter so you can plan what you want to say, and include the resources that are appropriate to your situation. You don’t have to feel like coming out as asexual requires you to become an activist or an answer machine, so informing others of your orientation and then passing their questions on to more experienced or more willing community members or resources is perfectly fine to do.

Good luck, and feel free to share any questions or concerns.

(via neutrois)